For Those About to Mod (We SALUTE you!)
by huddler
Summary: For those of you who don't really even, this is (perhaps the world's first) Gamefaqs Fanfiction. It is mostly a whole bunch of inside jokes about the particular board in question. As such it may not really make much sense to most of you, but feel free to read it if you are curious. This is the story of LOZWiiU
1. Chapter 1

**For Those About to Mod (We Salute you!)**

Tai had gone long ago and Mog was dead and with him had died the board. Where once there had been laughter, excitement, merriment even, now there was very rarely anything at all.

Mog's grave was Lavish, not as much perhaps as he would have wanted, but exactly as much as he deserved. For in the end he had failed them all, disappearing before his body was found laying in the wilderness beyond CE. One might wonder how the body was ever found laying in a desolate and dangerous wilderness, but to be honest I've never liked "one" all that much and I'm pretty sure he's friends with other, that dick who ruined Metroid (seriously, what an ass.) so for the moment we will totally ignore "one." Honestly, why would anyone pay attention to him? Anyway, moving on.

The grave sat there quiet in the misty tree filled glade. Actually it wasn't a glade. It was a forest. Because who the f*** calls a forest a glade? But anyway, it was quiet. The grave was very tall, unlike the man who occupied it. Mog had been short. He had been short with everyone: with those he loved, and with those he hated. His patience was small and his ego was great and as is often the case with such controversial figures, there had been few who loved him.

But loved him some did. And slowly, out of the wispy gla—er, sorry, forest—mists a shadowy figure started to materialize. He walked slowly but purposefully. He knew his destination. He had been avoiding this place for some time and it was now finally time to say goodbye and to leave Mog behind for good. His bright red shirt and stylish blue overalls freshly starched and pressed for the occasion, Goombacrusher stepped from the mist.

In his fingers, he held a rose.

"Mog." He said, and his voice sounded muted in the air. Probably because of the physics of fog. I think fog physics would probably mute vocals, though to be honest I'm not entirely sure. In any case Goombacrusher was sad so his voice was muted anyway. Very low volume. As if he had used a remote to turn the volume down on his TV. But Goomba wasn't a TV, obviously. He was a Human with thoughts and emotions. So he was sad. Like I was saying before.

"Mog... you always had the biggest head of anyone I ever knew. I loved that about you." He tossed the rose down on the grass in front of the grave.

"Woah, Goomba. Don't start the party too early." Goomba circles around, surprised. Behind him stands a beautifully curvaceous female figure.

"Silf. You shouldn't sneak up on me like that. You might have scared the manliness out of me."

"Sorry Goomba. My apologies." Silfalas stared into Goombacrusher's eyes with a fiery passion before turning the attention of his beautiful curvaceous body to the grave. He had been smiling a moment ago, but he was not smiling now. "I feel like I never really knew him all that well."

"Well yeah. That's because you didn't." The voice came from neither of the men present, and they both looked around to find the source. Walking through the mist was another ghostly silhouette. "I didn't know him well either but that's mostly because my girlfriend is so pretty. If I didn't have such a beautiful girlfriend I would have talked to him more. Did I mention I have a girlfriend? She looks like Emma Watson. GUYS. I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND. AND SHE LOOKS LIKE EMMA WATSON."

"Dammit Volty show some respect," Goomba said, staring at the grave. I'm not sure if I mentioned it before but Goomba was sad.


	2. Chapter 2

Silf smiled. "Come on, it's Mog. Would he really want respect?"

Goombacrusher laughed. "You're right. Let's all pee on his grave."

"YO, HANG ON!" Came a voice, yelling out of the distance.

"Wait, is that..?" Said zvoltx, looking around.

"Jeez, I was beginning to think he wouldn't show up..."

Bursting out of the fog came a tall, Blond haired, blue eyed figure, entirely naked.

"GUWAAH!?" Shouted the entire group that was already assembled. Most of them were blinded now, except for Silf, who was neither surprised nor impressed.

"Hey boys, sorry I'm late."

Goombacrusher squinted at him, still blind. His eyesight was returning, but only slowly. "Jamine? Is that you?"

"The one and only." He pulled out a cigarette and began to smoke. "Sorry I'm late. I was busy baking bread."

Zvoltx looked at him oddly, or at least he thought he was looking at Jamine but in reality he was looking at Silf as his eyesite was still impaired. "Why were you baking bread?"

Jamine shrugged. "I mean, why not bake bread? It's pretty much the thing to do."

Volty looked skeptical. "Then why are you naked?"

Goomba looked over at him. "You mean to tell me you don't like being naked?"

"Particularly when you're baking bread. Who wears clothes when they're baking?" Added Silf.

Volty stared at him. "Well yeah, but I mean..."

Silf sighed and facepalmed. "It's his gimic, remember? Sex."

Goomba and Volty shared a long drawn out "ooooohhhhhhhhh..."

Jamine turned his attention to the grave, walking up to it. "So he's really gone, eh? I had heard rumors, but I guess I never really believed it until now. Strange to see." He looked around. "Speaking of strange, where the hell are we? Who's idea was it to bury Mog in a forest anyway? There's a perfectly good graveyard on The Porch."

"Yeah, not sure who really came up with that. In fact I—wait." Goomba pauses, and then points. "Is that a cave?"

The other three looked over. "Yes, I'd say it is," said Zvoltx.

"As a matter of fact, it looks like the entrance to level 1 in Zelda," Said Silf.

Jamine's face took on a pensive look. "Hey guys... Do you wanna go explore it?"

Goombacrusher shrugged. "Sure, why not."

Zvoltx nodded. "My girlfriend is in Disneyland this weekend, so I don't really have anything better to do. Let's go."

As they left the gravesite, Jamine accidently scraped his hand against a sharp edge of the large grave.

"Ah! Dammit."

"You okay Jamine?" Asked Volty.

"Yeah, I'm alright," Jamine said, a few small drops of blood dripping from his hand into the dirt. "Just a little scratch. I'll be alright."

The four of them walked together into the dungeon.

But f*** those guys, we're not going to pay attention to them. Who honestly cares about some random guy(s) busting their way through a boring old dungeon?

…...…...Later That Night At Midnight...

Three figures in cloaks approached Mog's grave. Most likely they were obscured by the fog but I feel like the mist is kind of getting too full of itself and I won't bring it up again.

These three figures approached the grave. The hoods obscured their identities, but each had a convenient Identifying Feature: One was very thin, one smelled of the grave, and the other walked slowly but purposefully, as if he were trying to make himself look stupid with his very walk.

"Be silent, my Brothers," Said the thin one, raising a finger to his lips. "Our enemies are in yon dungeon and if they learn of our plan we shall surely fail."

"Plan what" said the one who was trying to look the fool.

"Truly, friend? I have told you twice already." The thin one frowned in impatience.

"i don't good" said the fool.

"Oh fine," Said the one who smelled of the grave, frowning with impatience. "I'll tell him. The plan is this, my brothers: Tonight, we shall engage in a dark and evil secret ritual so dark and secret that I can't even name it to you now. And When this ritual is completed, this king, the one they call _Mog, _shall return to this fair land," And here he began to chuckle because maniacal laughs are very cliché. But maniacal chuckles really aren't much of a thing yet. "And this time, Mog will be _**ours.**_"


	3. Chapter 3

The thin one pulled a knife from his cloak and handed it to the fool. "We need you're blood. Spill it, or I will spill it for you."

You aren't blood" said the fool, and then he quickly added a semicolon to the end of his statement just in case anyone mistook it for something sensical, such that it read "You aren't blood;"

The thin one growled. "I don't have time for your games."

The fool looked intimidated, and quickly extended his hand and sliced into the flesh of his palm, letting the blood run onto the ground.

"There. That wasn't so hard was that?" Said the thin one. "I knew you wouldn't fail us."

"Hurry up, say the damn words. We don't have all night." Said the rotten smelling one, clearly impatient.

"Yes, I suppose you're right." The thin one looked up into the sky slightly. "OY, MOG. Wake the hell up you old bastard. You've got work to do!"

The fool and the rotten smelling one looked over at him questioningly.

"Was that really all?" Said the rotten smelling one.

"Yeah, I know. I was surprised too. Kinda anticlimactic, huh?"

The rotten one and the fool nodded, but before anyone could say anything a great rumbling was heard and the ground began to shake.

"Well," Said the thin one, "looks like it's working."

The grave began to vibrate violently and shake. For a moment it appeared that it would split in two, but it didn't, which all present found rather odd. Instead, it just shook and vibrated and rattled. It probably hummed too, but you couldn't hear it. Definitely not because of any mist-born physics in the area because as was clearly stated before F*** THE MIST.

Finally, the vibrating and the shaking ceased. The humming also ceased, whether it was there or not. All was quiet and deathly still.

The thin one stood silently for a minute. "Well?" He said finally. "Did it work?"

"How should I know? I'm as in the dark as you are." Said the rotten one.

"Well, there must be some way we can check to see if it worked or not." Said Mog.

"That's a good idea. But how do we go about testing?" Said the thin one.

"Well," said Mog, "Maybe you should dig up the coffin and see if the bodies in there."

"That's a good idea. guys, Help me to..." The thin one paused. "Wait. Who the hell are you?"

The man extended his stark white hand out to the thin one. "I'm Mog. Pleased to meet you."

"Mog?! Why the hell didn't you say so?" said the thin one, and reached out to take Mog's hand. As it happened Mog had yet to fully materialize and so The Thin One promptly fell over and looked like a fool.

"Well," Said Mog, "It looked like you guys were really enjoying the whole secret dark ritual thing. I didn't want to get in your way.I mean now the dark ritual is over. What will you guys do for fun?"

The three men in cloaks looked at each other. "Yeah," said the rotting one. "It's definitely him."

The thin one nodded. "No doubt about it."

"Hurry up, bind him to us, before the chance is lost," said the rotting one.

"Ah yes, just give me a moment." The thin one stared into Mog's eyes. "From this day forward, to your last day hence, you're allegiance is ours, as recompense. For the wrongs you have done us, you shall bear this burden, that your soul might feel how we've been burn-ed."

"Now THAT sounds like an evil incantation. What the hell was up with the first one?" Said the rotten one.

"I don't know. Maybe the Gods are lazy about this sort of thing. I mean why would they even make evil rituals and dark incantations in the first place?" Said the thin one.

Mog was still staring blindly ahead. "So I'm to be bound to you boys, huh? I guess there are worse fates..." He shrugged. "What would you all have of me?"

Suddenly, voices could be heard coming from the cave.

"Our enemies approach," said the thin one. "Let us away from here. Mog, stay behind and take care of these foolish trolls."

Mog rolled his eyes. "Thy will be done, master." As soon as the three had departed he began muttering to himself. "Anyone in the world could have revived me, anyone at all, and it had to be these stupid lumps of flesh. Just my F***ing luck. Where the hell am I anyway? Who the hell buries someone in a f***ing forest. s***s ridiculous. F***."

The four heroes walked out of the dungeon entrance.

"I'm just saying it was unnecessary!" Zvo said exasperatedly.

"Look when you have the opportunity to skull f*** a Moblin you take it. Don't even pretend you wouldn't have done the exact same thing if you had thought of it first," Said Goombacrusher.

"You could have at least waited until we were out of the room!" Zvoltx said. "And for that matter you could have killed the Moblin's children Before you desecrated their father figure! I mean seriously why did they have to see that!"

"Maybe you're right. I guess there's always next time." Goombacrusher licked his fingers and wiped at a small bloodstain on his overalls. "In any case it was odd that there wasn't a boss. Like what the hell was that about? I was all ready for a boss fight."

"Yeah. Big let down." Said Jamine, who was now dressed in a green tunic. "At least there were some clothes in there. I was starting to get cold."

"Are you really warm in that?" Said Silf, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, I mean... It's a little drafty without pants, but it's better than nothing, certainly." Said Jamine.

"Now if only there were a boss fight to make things feel a little more complete, this would be the perfect day."

"Well," Said a voice that was at once familiar and unfamiliar, "I suppose you three are the trolls those other idiots were talking about. To be honest, I was expecting something a little more... I don't know..." Mog looked them up and down. "Gray and ugly."

"Mog?!" Said Goombacrusher, looking on in awe. "What are you doing here? You're supposed to be dead!"

"I know, right? How do you think I feel? One moment I'm lying in my grave, next moment I'm up and about. What the hell is up with that? I was having a really nice dream." He scratched at his nose absentmindedly.

"Dream? You dream when you're dead?" Said Zvo. "What were you dreaming about?"

"If we're being honest here?" He paused a moment. "An orgy."

"Yeah, that makes a certain amount of sense." said Goomba.

"Anyway," Said Mog, I'm supposed to stop you guys. Or something. I'm not entirely sure honestly. My masters told me to 'Take care' of you. Pretty vague. I guess they want me to kill you."

"Kill me?" said Goomba incredulously. "BITCH YOU CAN'T KILL ME I WILL STRAIGHT UP JUMP ON YOUR HEAD RIGHT NOW COME ON LETS GO."

Mog rolled his eyes. "Hey, Jamine, look! Cake!"

"What? Where?" Said Jamine, looking around. Mog took the opportunity to knock him upside the head. Jamine promptly collapsed to the ground so hard it caused a serious concussion and as he was not wearing pants gave Mog a rather disturbing view.

"Jeez. Kind of takes the wind out of the whole 'pants-less adventurer' thing," said Mog.

"Heh, you should have seen him when he first showed up for your funeral," said Zvo, rushing forward. The people of the board oft called Zvo 'Volty,' and it wasn't without good reason. He was, as it happened, a rather accomplished lightning wizard. Shouting out vaguely magic sounding words, He quickly formed a ball of lightning in his hands...

Only to see the energy ball fall to the ground, along with the rest of his severed arm. Mog, meanwhile, stood quiet and motionless, holding the blade he had drawn from Zvo's own sheath. That sounds like innuendo but I swear it isn't.

Zvo looked at his arm, now gushing blood and looked at Mog and then he screamed a scream that could curdle blood and break glass. As this scream faded into the distance Zvoltx collapsed into the bloodstained foliage.

"Two down, two to go," Mog said, smirking.

"Silf," whispered Goombacrusher.

"Yeah?" Silf whispered back.

"Distract him with your feminine wiles."

"What do you mean by that?"

Goomba promptly picked Silf up and threw him bodily at Mog. Unprepared, Mog staggered backwards, and Goomba took this as his opportunity to strike. He jumped; he jumped high and he jumped fast and he jumped with all the strength his Italian body could muster, chiseled as it was from hours upon hours of hardcore plumbing. He jumped...

And he missed.

Indeed, he overshot and ended up landing directly Behind Mog.

"Wow," Said Mog. "I really thought that was going to work."

"The controls are way too floaty. I am not to blame here in the slightest," said Goombacrusher.

"Don't worry. I believe you," Mog said. He turned around and gave his old friend a hug. "I'm sorry about this Goomba, I really am," said the undead man and with that he pulled a dagger from the sheath at his waist and plunged it deep into Goombacrusher's gut.

"I didn't want this Goomba," Mog said as he lowered the Italian's body to the ground. "This was never what I wanted." He stared into the dying plumber's eyes for a few moments. He saw nothing there, nothing at all. He wanted to see something, but he saw nothing.

With one last backwards glance, Mog walked slowly back into the forest, the weight of guilt heavy upon him.

The fight had taken place in a clearing, and where once the ground was clear it was now covered with the four dying men.

And while in a city four dying men might be a common occurrence, in the forest it was distinctly rare. And rare things did not oft go unnoticed.

In the shadow of the trees a previously unnoticed man moved, his long ponytail swaying hypnotically. He stepped out into the clearing and surveyed the fallen, dying corpses.

"Well," he said, "That idiot did do quite a number on you, didnt he...?" He turned back to the patch of trees he had stepped from. "Paco, I'm going to need your help. Pick up these bodies and move them back to the hut. We'll decide what to do with them there."

"Yes, Ecylis." Paco advanced from the shadow of the tree and began moving the bodies.

"Thank god for illegal Mexican labor," said Ecylis, before promptly causing the chapter to end.


	4. Chapter 4

Goombacrusher woke.

His head was groggy as if he had swallowed a hole cantaloupe, or had a whole cantaloupe shoved up his rectum, or just seen a cantaloupe, because as it happens Cantaloupes are kind of freaky as far as fruits go. So big and bulbous. They look a bit like brains honestly and who the hell eats brains? Fucking Zombies.

He looked around as his vision began to clear, trying to find something he recognized in his surroundings.

He was in a small, low ceilinged room in what appeared to be a cabin of some sort. He was laying on a bed, which automatically made him nervous. The last time he had woken up in a bed without specifically remembering climbing into it had been in college and that was a memory he would rather forget.

"Did you sleep well, _Esse_?"

Goomba looked over to see a diminutive man sitting in an oddly out of place bean bag chair staring at him. This made him even more nervous. "Yes, I suppose I slept alright. Would you mind telling me who exactly you are?"

"_Me llamo _Paco, _senor_. It is a pleasure to meet you." He did not look like a Mexican.

"You do not look like a Mexican." Said Goombacrusher.

Paco looked back and forth as if to make sure that no one was watching, then he leaned in conspiratorially. "I am not Mexican," He said.

"Then why are you pretending to be a Mexican? You don't really look the part. Your skin is stark white." Goomba raised one eyebrow into an impressive arch partly because he was confused and doubtful and partly because it made him look a little bit like The Rock.

"Master Ecylis. He needed an assistant but he only hires illegal Mexicans."

"Really? Why is that?" Said Goombacrusher.

"I do not know, _senor_. But I mean when you hear Ecylis what is the first thing you think of?"

Goomba thought about it for a moment. "Illegal Mexican Labor, oddly enough."

Paco nodded. "Anyway at this point I'm way too into the act to give it up. I actually have a pretty good handle on my Spanish. I didn't know any Spanish when I started here!"

"Well I guess that's something. I mean foreign language skills are pretty valuable in today's job market," Said Goomba.

"_Simone_," said Paco, nodding. "There aren't many jobs around here though. If you didn't notice we kind of live in a Forest."

"The forest..." Goombacrusher said, suddenly remembering his allies. "What has become of my friends?" It had taken him some time to remember them and he was mostly asking because he was worried that someone else had taken the dungeon loot off their dead corpses. He sat up, groaning in pain from the knife wound in his chest.

"Careful, _Senor_," said Paco, trying to hold Goomba back. "You're friends are alive, though most are in a similar state to you. Jamine got away with a light concussion and Silfalas was only moderately wounded. They are all safe, _Entender_? They are safe."

"Safe?" said Goomba. Then, realizing this meant that their possessions still belonged to them, Goombacrusher lay back in bed. "In that case a nap does sound rather nice."

"Goomba? Is that you?" came a voice from the hallway.

"_Si,_ he has awoken, _senor_!" said Paco despite Goomba frantically signaling that he would rather continue sleeping.

Jamine popped his head through the door. "Goomba! You're awake!"

"Yes! So it seems!" Goomba said, doing his best to disguise his annoyance. "Despite all my efforts to the contrary, in fact."

"Mog really did a number on you with that blade. I wasn't sure you would pull through," said Jamine, looking on pensively.

"So it was Mog? That wasn't just a dream?" Though he wanted to say nightmare he didn't because he was too studly to suggest he had nightmares.

"It was most definitely Mog. I would recognize him anywhere." Jamine scratched his head thoughtfully. "He seemed... different, though. It felt like he didn't want to hurt us."

"Yeah..." Said Goomba, remembering the last few moments before he had felt mogs blade slide into his back. That sounds like innuendo and it very well might be. "He didn't want to. He made that clear."

Jamine stared at Goomba for a moment. "Did he... Did he say something to you?"

Goomba looked up as if he hadn't been paying attention, then shook his head. "Don't worry about it. I'm okay."

Jamine shrugged. "Whatever you say." Suddenly he looked behind him into the hall. "Cylis! Oy, Cylis! Goomba's awake!"

A man who looked sort of like a village elder but also looked sort of like a hobo came into the doorway. His hair was in a ponytail. He had a sweet hat and a short beard and wore something vaguely resembling a trench coat.

"Hello there, Goomba. You're friends have spoken much of you. It is an honor to meet you." He put out a hand and Goomba shook it wearily. "I found the four of you lying on the forest floor and I figured I should help you. I'm the wizard of this forest."

"Wizard?" said Goomba, quizzically.

"That is what I said. What are you asking?" Ecylis said.

"Well, I mean, isn't it normally a witch in the forest?"

Ecylis opened his mouth as if to say something, but before he had the opportunity he was interrupted by a loud moan muffled by a couple of walls.

"Wow, what was that?" Said Goomba. "That sounded... Passionate."

"Ecylis put his hand up and covered his face with it. "That—" and here he was interupted by a female voice screaming 'Yes! Yes! Oh god YES!'—"that is my sister."

"Well. She's certainly... Exciteable."

"You don't even want to know..." Ecylis said, shaking his head.

'Oh... Oh...' There was a crashing noise. 'DAMMIT EPONA WAIT YOUR TURN!' There was a neighing sound.

Ecylis sighed. "We won't be discussing this. For my sanity, as much as yours."

"Wait," said Goomba, scratching his head. "Isn't Epona a **Female** horse?"

I SAID we WON'T be DISCUSSING IT."

"Okay, fine fine. Jeez, so touchy." Goomba yawned. "I'm tired. How long do you think it will be before me and my friends can leave here? We will have our revenge on Mog."

"That _bendejo..._" said Paco, and he spat. "He littered all over the place as he left the forest. It's lucky he doesn't know fire magic. I bet he would have burned the forest down around us."

"You should be able to leave after a few days rest. Your wounds aren't terribly serious. Don't stress yourself out, though you need to take it easy while you rest. Your body is still recovering," Ecylis said. "If your wounds were going to be infected it would have happened already."  
"Good to hear," said Goomba, nodding. A few days of constant napping didn't sound so bad. "You said Mog left the forest, Paco. Where did he go?"

"_Senor_ followed three strange men in cloaks. They left in the direction of the Zelda Wii U board."

"Hmmm... That is an ill omen," said Jamine.

"Yes," said Goomba, "It is." He yawned again, but louder this time. "I need rest. Leave me, everyone."

Everyone left. Except for Paco, who was tasked with seeing to any needs Goomba might have. Also, he may actually have been stuck in the beanbag to the point where he literally couldn't stand up. It's hard to say.

And with that, Goomba slept.


End file.
